Thursday, April 17, 2008

Possibly the greatest essay ever.

Disclaimer: This is a real essay handed in to one of my friends here in Korea. It was not, unfortunately, one of my own students who wrote this. Also there's some language issues here. Okay. Here goes.

Bidet vs. Toilet Paper

In order for human beings to live, they do metabolism, we have to absorb food. And after the metabolism, we have to eliminate dregs of it which people call 'poo'. Evacuation skill has been developed over 3000 years. First, they just evacuated on the ground and didn't clean it. Then, they started to clean their ass with water or glass. Next, they made toilet paper. Finally, they invented bidet.

Toilet paper and bidet are both used to clean people's ass. However, they have few big differences.

Toilet paper is the most commonest cleaning system people use. The price of toilet paper isn't too hard so people use it commonly. But, although it is cheap, it companies few shortcomings. First the effect of it isn't perfect. Which I mean, even though you clean your ass hardly with all your effort, still microscopical pieces are left. And as a result, these poo atoms get on your underwear. And that part turns into brown. Second, when you are suffering from diarrhea (which is liquid poo), Your fingers often go through the paper and scratches the THING. Because diarrhea is liquid, toilet paper absorb the water and get weaker that your fingers go through it. Third, it is really hard to clean it when it gets hard. Especially, Koreans get into these situations frequently because they study or read while evacuating. Anyway, when it gets hard, you have to put little water on paper to make poo softly. Finally, it doesn't feel really good. Because your are cleaning your ass with your own hands, it feels strange.

On the contrary, bidet is the most artistic ultramodern invention system that human being have invented. First, unlike toilet paper, it cleans your ass perfectly that no single poo atoms are left their. Second, you don't have to worry about your fingers scratching the things because you are using advanced machine. Third, unlike toilet paper, you can clean it even if it gets hard. You can control the temperature of water. Therefore, you can melt it even if it gets into solid. Finally, unlike toilet paper which feels really bad, you can feel your mother's hand. Modern technology has made it possible for people to control the power and temperature of it. Therefore, you can feel your mother's hand. When the machine cleans your ass, it reminds of your childhood experience when mom came cleaned your ass. So, some people actually cry while evacuating because it reminds of their mother.

Toilet paper and bidet are both used to clean people's assh*le. But, effects of them are different. Both of them has its own virtue and shortcomings. You shouldn't be lazy that you just evacuates and run out with your butt browned. You should clean your ass faithfully and keep your assh*le clean that you can even lick it so you don't get any cancer on it.

It should be noted that this boy is very quiet and serious in class. However, he writes essays like this all the time. This one was a particular gem.


Laura said...

"most artisitic ultramodern invention" indeed it is!

Dan said...

What's the Korean word for "dingleberry"?

Masta said...

The writer of this essay is a poet. This made my day.

Eugene said...

if it was up to me, he gets an A++++

Dan said...