Possibly the greatest essay ever.

Disclaimer: This is a real essay handed in to one of my friends here in Korea. It was not, unfortunately, one of my own students who wrote this. Also there's some language issues here. Okay. Here goes.

Bidet vs. Toilet Paper

In order for human beings to live, they do metabolism, we have to absorb food. And after the metabolism, we have to eliminate dregs of it which people call 'poo'. Evacuation skill has been developed over 3000 years. First, they just evacuated on the ground and didn't clean it. Then, they started to clean their ass with water or glass. Next, they made toilet paper. Finally, they invented bidet.

Toilet paper and bidet are both used to clean people's ass. However, they have few big differences.

Toilet paper is the most commonest cleaning system people use. The price of toilet paper isn't too hard so people use it commonly. But, although it is cheap, it companies few shortcomings. First the effect of it isn't perfect. Which I mean, even though you clean your ass hardly with all your effort, still microscopical pieces are left. And as a result, these poo atoms get on your underwear. And that part turns into brown. Second, when you are suffering from diarrhea (which is liquid poo), Your fingers often go through the paper and scratches the THING. Because diarrhea is liquid, toilet paper absorb the water and get weaker that your fingers go through it. Third, it is really hard to clean it when it gets hard. Especially, Koreans get into these situations frequently because they study or read while evacuating. Anyway, when it gets hard, you have to put little water on paper to make poo softly. Finally, it doesn't feel really good. Because your are cleaning your ass with your own hands, it feels strange.

On the contrary, bidet is the most artistic ultramodern invention system that human being have invented. First, unlike toilet paper, it cleans your ass perfectly that no single poo atoms are left their. Second, you don't have to worry about your fingers scratching the things because you are using advanced machine. Third, unlike toilet paper, you can clean it even if it gets hard. You can control the temperature of water. Therefore, you can melt it even if it gets into solid. Finally, unlike toilet paper which feels really bad, you can feel your mother's hand. Modern technology has made it possible for people to control the power and temperature of it. Therefore, you can feel your mother's hand. When the machine cleans your ass, it reminds of your childhood experience when mom came cleaned your ass. So, some people actually cry while evacuating because it reminds of their mother.

Toilet paper and bidet are both used to clean people's assh*le. But, effects of them are different. Both of them has its own virtue and shortcomings. You shouldn't be lazy that you just evacuates and run out with your butt browned. You should clean your ass faithfully and keep your assh*le clean that you can even lick it so you don't get any cancer on it.

It should be noted that this boy is very quiet and serious in class. However, he writes essays like this all the time. This one was a particular gem.

Wow - it's been over a month!!!

Hello. Sorry guys for the lack of posts. It's been crazy ridiculous at work with new teachers, a lot of subbing, tests, changes and everything. Also I've been lazy.

So here's a totally amazing gross story for you guys.

I'm sitting down at the head of the class, facing my students, having them read a textbook when I notice one of the girls with her finger waaaaaay up in her nose. By the way this is a third grade class which puts the girl's age at around ten. Anyways, I as I'm putting my head down to look in my book, I catch a glimpse of the GIANT snot she dragging out of her nostril. Figuring that she'd ask for a kleenex, I don't pay no mind. You'd be surprised at how many of these kids pick their nose. Last semester, I had a boy who would sneeze every single day and have the biggest snot on his face. Anyways, back to the story. So a second passes by and I don't hear her get up from her seat or ask for tissue paper so I look up. And all I see is her finger way deep in her mouth. I almost puked.

Sometimes I go into space and I carry an astronaut on my back.

How are you doing strangers?

Hello. Been a while.

Yeah, things have been kinda hectic for a minute. Been working 12-13-14 hours a day and putting some time in on weekends. BUT, we got some new teachers so things should be cooling out for a bit. Anyways, so what's new with me. Nothing much. New apartment. More time now, which is why I'm writing here.

The two kindergarten classes I've been teaching have graduated and gone to elementary school. This just means I see them later in the afternoon instead of in the morning. But I'm saddened because my favorite students are too smart for this school and have gone to the ultra-turbo smart school. I'll miss them very much, but thanks to the technology of digital cameras, here they are. The first and last pictures are the ones that have gone on to bigger and better things.


That's Alice. On my first day of teaching, she wrote me a note reassuring me that I was doing a good job. She has been my all time favorite since then.


Another teacher drew that picture for a science class. I gave Kelly my glasses and told her to stand there. Also, whenever I see Kelly, I cup her face in my hands and yell "roundface" at her. It's all in good fun.








Ricky looked like a little Muslim with his bow tie.

New digs...pics coming soon.

I've moved for what I hope to be the last time. Pictures of the new apartment coming soon. It's colder here, but it's closer to work. Haven't decided yet if that's better or not.

What is cute and accidental mullets

I've been around kids for a while now and I'd like to think my exposure the little Korean children has given me insight into what makes them cute or not. I know, I'm shallow and superficial. Now that that's out of the way, let's move on to the meat of this entry.

What makes a child cute.

1. Big head small body. Ok, every kid has this going for him/her. Kids are walking lollipops. But for some reason, some kids' bodies catch up and become proportional to their heads, or some kids just have small heads. Whatever, the magic formula to cuteness is BIG head, small body. I have a friend back home, Timmy, or Tim now that he's older. Anyways, his dad tells this story of watching him as a baby. Tim's head was so big he had trouble keeping it upright and it would sometimes topple over and he'd fall backwards or to the side. Tim's dad would just sit there observing Tim as he watched TV and struggled to stay upright.

2. Glasses. Kids with glasses are exactly 1,000,000,000,000,000 (that's One million, billion) times cuter than kids without. Remember Johnathan Lipnicki? He's that coke-bottle bespectacled kid in "Jerry Maguire".


But then he got rid of his glasses and got himself a faux-hawk and now his career leaves a lot to be desired. He shoulda stuck with the glasses.

3. Walking around with your hands in your pockets. This is one I discovered here in Korea. If you're an adult, walking around with your hands in your pockets means you don't know what to do with your arms when you're walking (like me) or you got something to hide. However, if you're a child, walking around with your hands in your pockets is about the cutest thing you can do. Trust me. If you don't know what I'm talking about, go and do some field research. Find yourself a child of about six years old, ask him or her to walk around with their hands in their pockets, and try not to squeal your eyes out.

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So I got my hair cut today after letting it run wild on my head for a good two months. It's the first time I've had to go to a salon by myself here so I was practicing some key vocabulary on the way: "Short" "Top" "Sides" "Back". Regular stuff. Anyways, when I get there the lady asks me how I want my hair cut. So I tell her "Short". Of course that doesn't really help her cause short for her could mean something different for me. So she brings me a book of hairstyles, and by "book of hairstyles" I mean collage of magazine clippings. I flip through a few pages and I see something I like. I point to it and tell her that's how short I want my hair.

She takes off my glasses and she starts clipping...and clipping and cutting and clipping...

10 minutes later she's done. They take me to the back to wash my hair, and back to the chair for some styling. Only after she's completely done and she puts my glasses back on that I realize that she gave me a baby mullet. Check it out.

Randomness

Here are some pictures I've been sitting on that don't really belong to a particular topic and or post.

Enjoy!



These are my students. My original posse. On the left is Lily, she's the tough, emotionally closed, karate expert. In the middle is Angela, she's a funky child, but the best undercover brother eva. On the right is Rosie, she's the brainy one. She's the computer/gadget/explosives expert. There's another kid, Joy. Joy is a boy. He's really shy. He takes off like a rocket as soon as class is done.



This kid reminds me of a young, Asian, Alfred Hitchcock.





I just thought that this fish eyeballing me from beyond the grave was kinda creepy.

True Story - Pics

We have a writing book for the kindergarten kids. In it, there are some story sequencing exercises that consist of two pictures (with lines next to them for writing sentences), and a panel for a third picture and sentence. The point of the exercise is to write a short blurb for the first two pics and complete the sequence by drawing the last panel and writing the last sentence.

In this morning's exercise, the first panel had a picture of a lone ant trying to roll a ball of dirt up an anthill. The second panel had a picture of four ants rolling the ball of dirt up the anthill, and the last panel was blank.

There's a girl in my class who's pretty much one of the smartest girls ever. She's about five and pretty well behaved. For her first sentence, she wrote "The ant rolled the pooh pooh". Next to the second picture she wrote: "Then ant's family helped her to roll the pooh pooh." And for the last panel she drew the ants sharing a meal together and wrote: "The ant family was very, very happy then they ate a happy dinner".

As I was correcting, I was somewhat perplexed because she didn't specify what they ate together. So I asked her: "Are they eating the poop?"

This little girl looks at me dead in the eye and a tiny smile creeps on her face and she says: "yeah".